


Confusing Thoughts

by Komishika



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Drinking, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Masturbation, POV Multiple, angsty jimmy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-05
Updated: 2017-04-02
Packaged: 2018-05-24 23:29:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 18,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6170992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Komishika/pseuds/Komishika
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which a memory is haunting Jimmy Kent in his dreams and the only one he can talk to is the very one causing him concern about this memory, his best friend, Thomas Barrow.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Finally being posted to AO3, though originally started on ff.net. This version may be a teensie bit different as I know I've done several edits to this fic since it's originiation and not updated the ff.net files.

Jimmy agreed to be friends with Thomas.  They mutually agreed to put the kiss behind them for good and Jimmy apologized for how he knew he’d been treating Thomas for the last year since.   He couldn’t justify why he’d acted the way he did, but Thomas easily forgave him, too easily for Jimmy’s liking.

Half a year had passed and they got on quite well together. A little like when Jimmy had first started at Downton for what he could remember of his and Thomas’ early interactions, before he felt bothered with Thomas’ familiarity.  They had become quite close: chatting constantly, playing cards in the servants’ hall, going out together when their half days and days off aligned.   He and Thomas shared many stories of their pasts when they were left alone from prying ears.  Jimmy sometimes wished he could have been at Downton alongside Thomas in his youthful footman years, wondering the sort of mischief the two would have gotten up to together, though from a few stories he wondered if he would have found the other man as amiable as he did now.  Through their time together Jimmy felt he could finally put their past behind and truly trust Thomas.  He’d never had anyone before that he felt this way toward or that he felt truly had his back and watched out for him the way Thomas did.  He did his best to try and return such actions in hope Thomas felt the same way, though occasionally his mind still lingered wondering if Thomas still had other feelings for him as well.

Recently the memory of that night began to once again plague him.  The night he’d woken up to Alfred bursting into his room as Thomas was kissing him in his sleep.  He could only wonder after everything that had happened, why was this memory resurfacing again in his dreams?

He spent most of the day while going through his tasks contemplating it.  At breakfast and luncheon he’d intentionally wandered in a bit later so as to be stuck with a seat toward the far end away from where Thomas always sat.  He made point to acknowledge, but not avoid him throughout the day, quickly excusing himself to an “important task” when Thomas tried to grab him for conversation.  

It wasn’t that Jimmy didn’t want to be his usual friendly self, but every time seeing Thomas his mind wandered back to his dreams and just became bothersome.  They had become so close with this nasty memory behind them.  Close enough that if he thought on it too much, it bothered him when he realized he with ease found himself familiarly touching Thomas (a pat on the shoulder, a grab on the arm, an arm round the shoulder laughing over a joke while having a drink at the pub), but that Thomas since that time had never touched him again, and if he did or came close he quickly retracted and wore a guilty look about his face.  

This wasn’t the first day like this, he was sure his friend would realize something was going on eventually, but he just wasn’t ready to face it yet.

 

~~~

 

Dinner came and he ended up sitting next to Thomas.

“And how is the over-achiever this evening?” Thomas asked in a more hushed tone, leaning closer to Jimmy, hoping not to be overheard.

“Fine,” Jimmy answered flatly.  

After everything from dinner was cleared the two still sat side by side as most of the hall cleared out.  

“You’ve seemed a bit out of sorts lately.  Something bothering you?” Thomas asked as he lit a cigarette.

Jimmy didn’t look at Thomas, but instead focused on his own fidgeting hands on the table as he answered. “Nothing really I guess.  Having some bad dreams.  Just keeping busy trying not to think about it.”

Thomas laughed lightly. “Well don’t over-do it or Carson will start expecting more from you.”  He shifted his chair and turned to face Jimmy. “You sure you’re okay?  Want to talk about it?”

Jimmy breathed in a deep breath and let out a sigh.  “No,” he replied.  He stood and gave Thomas a half grin in an attempt to be reassuring.  “I’m going to bed.  Could use the extra sleep.”

He walked around the table, but before he managed to exit the hall Thomas said, “Well, if you ever do, you know where to find me.”

Jimmy nodded then headed for his room.

Jimmy lay in his bed willing, but not willing sleep to come.  Footfalls and opening and closing doors sounded in the hallway off and on.  He could only guess what the time must be when he realized a long expanse of time had passed since he’d heard anything.

He’d been attempting to take every possible detail of his replaying memory into consideration.  Trying desperately to pin down what exact part of it was bothering him the most.  His anger?  His fear? His feeling of betrayal? The feeling of Thomas’ lips?  The fact he’d been denying, despite very clearly remembering, that he started to kiss back the unknown pair of lips before he opened his eyes, fully awakening?

He needed to talk about it.  About all of it.  Currently the only real friend he had he could talk to was Thomas.

 

~~~

 

The next night after dinner before Thomas could light a cigarette Jimmy asked, “Fancy a smoke in the yard, Mr. Barrow?”

“You don’t smoke.”

“I just want to go outside,” Jimmy replied.  

He’d barely slept a wink the night before.  Jimmy knew the only hope to make this annoyance go away was to talk about it and the only person he could talk to was Thomas.   He’d been ramping himself up for it throughout the day. Thinking of how he could bring it up without it being a bothersome annoyance.  The whole putting it in the past didn’t really warrant it to ever be a topic of conversation again between the two of them, but he felt if it was going to stop haunting him he had to talk about it and face it head on.

The two made their way outside, Jimmy leading the way.    He walked out staring into the sky at the stars.  Thomas leaned against a wall, lighting his cigarette.  “Penny for your thoughts, Jimmy?  Still having bad dreams?”

“Can we take a walk?  It’s nice out and the moonlight’s bright enough not to need a light.”  Jimmy still stared at the sky, putting his hands in his trouser pockets as he asked.

Thomas raised an eyebrow, smiled, and replied, “Alright.”

The two walked away from the house side by side.  Jimmy glanced at Thomas, then straight ahead when Thomas caught him.  This continued for a few glances until Thomas finished and tossed his cigarette.  He stopped and turned to Jimmy.  “What is it, Jimmy?  I thought the reason you wanted to walk was because you needed to say something you didn’t want overheard.”

Jimmy stopped and looked at Thomas.  He grimaced, then looked away.  “I did.  I just – I thought I wanted to talk to you about it, but I don’t think I’m quite up for it after all.  Sorry.”  He turned and started walking back toward the house.  He couldn’t do this.  He couldn’t ruin what they were building by just springing it at Thomas this way.  

“Wait.”

Jimmy stopped and turned.

“Whatever it is, you should just say it.  I’ve been worried.  You’re eyes have been dark and puffy, and I feel like you’ve been dodging around me,” Thomas told him clearly.

Jimmy turned and began walking again. “I’m just not ready to talk about it yet.”

Thomas caught up to Jimmy and grabbed his arm just above the elbow to halt him once more.  Jimmy looked at Thomas’ hand on his arm and grimaced as it quickly tensed and pulled away.  “Sorry,” Thomas apologized.

“Stop doing that!  Stop apologizing!” Jimmy turned and yelled.  Thomas took a step back.  “You always apologize when you realize you’ve touched me.  I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I _do_ touch you.  We’re mates now.  You’re my _best mate_.  Familiarity is an okay and expected thing.  I trust you enough that you know well what is appropriate and what is not.  So it’s okay.”

From what Jimmy could tell in the moonlight, Thomas wore a rather bashful smile on his face.  “You seem to trust me more than I trust myself.”

Jimmy rolled his eyes, and then turned to continue walking.  “Give yourself more credit, and trust me, if you happen to slip up, be prepared for a nice black eye,” he said walking forward and holding up his left hand clenched into a fist.

Thomas followed Jimmy, but never quite matched pace with him as they returned back to the house.  Jimmy quickly excused himself for bed and Thomas watched him ascend the staircase with a worried expression upon his face before returned to the servants’ hall where he found the newspaper to read and lit up to smoke another cigarette.


	2. Chapter 2

Jimmy continuously attempted to go up to his room to sleep earlier than most for several nights.  Alfred had even been asking about him as though he were starting to feel worried.  Every time he thought he had it figured out or found some justification for one question he pondered, another would completely abolish it.

Everything always came back to needing to talk to Thomas.  It was just so hard to get the nerve up to mention it.  Tonight would be the night he would try to sleep as much as he could manage.  The next day was his half day and he’d have the evening to himself.  Maybe an evening at the pub, a few games of cards, a bit of a drink, but not too much to drink though, would help to clear his mind a tiny bit.

He didn’t know how many times he’d tossed and turned, still not managing to kip off, when there was a light knock at the door.  Jimmy groaned then rolled over onto his back.  He hesitated for a moment, “Come in.”

The door opened slowly and Thomas stepped just barely in the doorway.  “Sorry Jimmy.  Did I wake you?”

“No. Wasn’t asleep.”  Jimmy looked over to see Thomas as he gave him a look that he knew only meant the older man was worrying direly about him.  Thomas was in his pyjamas and slippers with a towel over one shoulder and a toothbrush in hand.  “What ‘cha need, Thomas?”

“Was wondering if I could borrow your dental cream?  I seem to have let myself run out.” He held his toothbrush up and smiled.

“Sure.”  Jimmy reached over to turn on a lamp that was on his bedside table.  “It’s on the dresser, there.”  He pointed toward his dresser.  

Jimmy noticed a brief unreadable expression pass over Thomas’s face before he made his way to the dresser the found the tube. He turned and walked back to the doorway and looked again at Jimmy.  “How long have you been trying to sleep?  You came up over two hours ago.”  The obvious worry in his face was back.  

Jimmy groaned and shifted onto his side, propping himself up on his elbow, facing Thomas.  “Thomas-”

“I wish you’d just get whatever it is off your chest.  If not to me, to someone,” Thomas cut him off.  “I don’t worry about you as just your friend, but also has your superior.   You’re a footman, first footman at that.  You are supposed to be the visible pride of this house’s service.  If the circles under your eyes get any darker, you’re going to have to answer to Carson.”

“It’s just complicated…”  Jimmy reached over to turn his lamp off.  He smiled at Thomas as he resettled back into his bed.  “Good night, Thomas.  Go brush your teeth.  I’ll get it back from you in the morning.”

 

~~~

 

The next evening Jimmy went into the village and to the pub as planned.  He couldn’t manage to find anyone for a game of cards, or barely anyone worth any conversation.  He did however end up having a small chat with a farm hand who informed him that he and some friends had concocted quite the home-made brew guaranteed to knock one to the ground.  

Jimmy found himself interested, not so much for actually getting drunk, but as a potential sleep aide.  Possibly a bit of a lip loosener for when he finally decided to have his talk with Thomas.  He left the pub with the man and luckily the destination wasn’t too far off from his destination route back to Downton.   He was given a taste test, and it was very flavorful, with quite the mighty kick.  He did not have a flask, but was offered one from the man for extra charge, which he paid.  He tucked the flask in the inner pocket of his coat, shook the man’s hand and headed back for Downton.

He knew he drank a little more than he planned as he could feel the warm flush in his face as he returned.  He hoped to make a quick dash for the stairs before anyone who may still be awake noticed him.  To his luck most of the downstairs was deserted.  He could see the light shining under the crack of Mrs. Hughes sitting room door and the light in the servant’s hall was still on as well. 

He quickly walked straight for the stairs and just as he grabbed the staircase railing, “Jimmy?” Thomas called from behind him.

Jimmy stopped and turned to see Thomas shutting off the lights in the servant’s hall and coming to meet him at the foot of the stairs. “Were you waiting up for me?”  Jimmy began climbing the stairs.

“More or less.  I knew you had the evening off.  Wanted to see how you’d got on.”

“Boring actually, but a little relaxing,” Jimmy replied.

“Relaxing sounds like a good thing.  Think you’ll get to sleep easier tonight?”  

They reached the men’s hall and Jimmy turned to Thomas with a reassuring smile.  “I’m sure of it.”  He went to the door of his room and as he placed his hand on the handle, turned to Thomas, “Good night.”

“Good night,” Thomas replied, looking more at ease than Jimmy had seen him recently.

 

~~~

 

Later that night, Jimmy was crossing the hall, swaying a bit and having trouble properly placing one foot in front of the other, to Thomas’s door.  He quietly as possible opened the door, let himself in, and closed it behind himself.  The room was almost pitch black.  Jimmy walked forward and suddenly found himself in a heap on the ground.

Thomas shot wide awake at the thud close by.  He quickly fumbled out of the bed a step to turn on the nearest lamp.  Upon the illumination he looked down to the floor to find Jimmy attempting to get up off it.  In as loud a whisper as he felt would not be heard Thomas spoke, “Jimmy?  What the hell are you doing here?  Do you know what time it is?”

Jimmy managed to get himself up from the floor.  He smiled at Thomas. “Thomas.   Oh, Thomas.  I’ve needed to talk to you for weeks,” he slurred out.

“It’s nearly three in the morning, Jimmy.”  Thomas sat down on the edge of his bed and looked back up to Jimmy.  “Can’t we talk tomorrow?”

“No!  It’s you.  Your… I can’t scratch you.  You give me itches.”  He stepped forward approaching Thomas.

Thomas raised an eyebrow, quite obviously confused.  “Are you drunk?!   I have no clue what you’re trying to say.”

“Dreaming…you…only you.  Have to know… not sure I’m right,” Jimmy stammered out as he placed his hands onto Thomas’s shoulders and then kneeled onto the bed straddling Thomas.  “Messed up…I’m.. I just want-”  

Thomas stiffened at the contact with Jimmy.  As Jimmy leaned in Thomas turned his head as he got a whiff of the younger man’s breath, and braced himself on the bed not to fall over from Jimmy’s weight.  “Christ, Jimmy, what the hell did you drink?!”   

Thomas could feel Jimmy’s lips on his neck near his ear as the younger man stammered, “I want… Thomas… I-”  

And then suddenly Jimmy became heavy.  Thomas maneuvered Jimmy from atop himself. “Jimmy…”  Thomas groaned.  Jimmy was passed out cold.  Thomas leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands as he took deep breathes in an attempt to calm himself.

Thomas got up and attempted to wake Jimmy to no avail.  He then tried to lift him in attempt to carry him back to his own room, but in such a state he was just too heavy.  He then managed to get Jimmy on the floor on his back then half lifted him from the armpits and dragged him.

Thomas had gotten Jimmy into the hallway when light footfalls came and suddenly, but still in a hushed enough voice that no one asleep should hear “Bloody hell!”

Thomas turned eyes widened to find Alfred staring at him as he drug Jimmy across the hallway.  “I’m just trying to get him back to his room.  Help and I’ll explain.”  The two stared at each other for a moment then Thomas pleaded, “I swear I did nothing, just please, help?”

Alfred hesitated a moment, then nodded.  He opened Jimmy’s door, then went and picked up the unconscious man’s legs and the two carried him into the bedroom and deposited him onto the bed.  For a moment Thomas sat on the edge of Jimmy’s bed to catch his bed.  Alfred closed the door quietly.  “So, what happened, Mr. Barrow?”

“I woke up and found him on the floor in my room.  He was still conscious then came at me and passed out.   His breath reeked horribly, so he’s been drinking something,” Thomas explained.

Alfred bent down and picked an open flask up from off the floor.  He brought it to his nose and took a sniff.  “Whew!  I believe you, Mr. Barrow.  It’s empty.  No telling how much he had.”  He handed the flask to Thomas.  “He’s been acting funny lately.  Not sure he’s sleeping.  Maybe he was trying to knock himself out to get some.”

Thomas took the flask, looked down at Jimmy then put it on the bedside table.  “Probably.  He’s barely been sleeping.”  He stood, turned the lamp off.  “We should get back to bed.”


	3. Chapter 3

Thomas tossed and turned in his bed in an attempt to fall back asleep.  He was confused.  He wanted to be angry, so angry, but he could never manage to stay angry when Jimmy was involved.  He had been thankful Alfred had believed him after finding the flask.  Thomas didn’t need another scare like the kiss.

Why was Jimmy in his room?  Why had he drunk whatever it was he had?  These were the questions he continued to think on.   One other question came to mind in relation to Jimmy practically crawling on him, but he tried not to think too strongly on it as it had made him slightly aroused.

The point came where it was too damn frustrating to be in bed anymore.  He got up, turned on a lamp and grabbed a clock to check the time.  It was barely five o’clock in the morning.   He sighed and then began to prepare for the day.  

Fully dressed, save for his jacket he stepped out of his room to make use of the facilities.  As he returned he passed Jimmy’s door and stared a moment.  He thought again of the drinking.  Enough to have caused him to pass out.  Jimmy would probably wake with a very strong hangover. 

There was still some time before wake-up call and everything to start bustling downstairs.  Thomas went downstairs and came back carrying a spare wash basin and a tall glass of water.  He opened Jimmy’s door.  He found the younger man had definitely shifted in the night from how he and Alfred had left him.  He was on his stomach, mouth half open, drooling, and one leg hanging off the bed.  While not nearly at his best looking, Thomas secretly enjoyed the sight.  It was things like this, a different side of Jimmy he hadn’t seen before, that left him so helpless and bursting with emotion for the young blond.  

He put the glass of water on the bedside table and the basin on the floor.  If Jimmy had any coherence at all before he tossed the contents of his stomach he’d be able to find the basin and not make too much of a mess of his room.  Thomas reached down and hesitated a moment before stroking Jimmy’s hair.  He made a tiny noise and Thomas pulled his hand away.

Thomas could see the slightest bit of sunlight bleed into the room from around the window curtain.  He figured it was probably around six o’clock by now.  He stepped into the hall and could hear from further down, one of the hall boys knocking the doors for wake-up call.  He made his way back to his room to retrieve his jacket before head downstairs to get an early start on his morning.

~~~

Alfred entered the dining room to find Thomas had started morning preparations which usually were Jimmy’s task.  “Where’s Jimmy?” he asked as he grabbed a table cloth and began spreading it out on the table.

Thomas began assisting with the cloth and gave Alfred stern look.  “I doubt  _ James  _ is going to find his land legs easily this morning.”

“Mr. Carson’s going to be furious.  What do we tell him if he asks?”

“He’s sick.  Food he ate at the pub last night must have made him sick.  He should have eaten at home with the rest of us.”  Thomas shared the proposed story with Alfred since it was probable the footman may be asked before himself.  Thomas had decided he would tell Carson he’d checked on him haphazardly returning something in the morning, but hadn’t come to inform him yet as he’d jumped to work on Jimmy’s tasks with no time to lose since he still had his own to worry about.

The question did eventually come during breakfast in the servant’s hall.  Thomas gave the explanation which seemed to suffice, though Carson did mention calling Dr. Clarkson.  Thomas managed to persuade him against it; simply not to worry unless he was still ill the following day.

~~~

Jimmy groaned as he stirred.  He blinked his eyes open and all at once everything hit him.  He felt like he’d been kneed in the stomach and hit upside the head with a brick.   Wherever the basin on the floor had come from, he was thankful.  He now sat in the floor next to his bed after having left a pool of sick in the basin breathing heavily as he leaned his head back onto the mattress.  He finally looked over and noticed the water which he quickly downed.  

He couldn’t remember much of last night after he’d gotten home.  He did notice the flask also on the bedside table and picked it up.  He frowned and groaned at the realization it was empty.  He did remember it tasting really great, though he didn’t remember drinking it all.  He thought he must have had it all and passed out.  

He had a nice dream.  It wasn’t the memory again wreaking havoc.  He dreamt he’d gotten very bold and gone to Thomas’ room.  He was there and Thomas had been waiting for him.  He’d told him that he was like some itch he couldn’t scratch.  That he’d only been dreaming of him.  He had straddled him on the edge of the bed and kissed him eagerly.  Then that was it before he awoke feeling so terribly.  The idea that he could be even the least bit as bold as his dream self was outrageous to Jimmy.  Also the idea of how pleasant it felt being so close to the other man.  The warmth of his body.   The touch of his skin under his lips.  Jimmy couldn’t stop himself from feeling a bit aroused as he thought back on it, but began inwardly scolding himself about how such an idea, and with Thomas of all people, could bring life to the appendage between his legs.

As he slowly became more coherent, he began to wonder if he really had just passed out and slept the night, where the basin and glass of water had come from.

He groaned as he managed to stand and make his way to his dresser.  He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror, which momentarily startled him.  He grabbed his pocket watch and opened it to check the time, which acknowledgement only forced the exertion of another groan.  

Behind him the door opened suddenly and he spun around a bit too quickly.  He caught his balance on the dresser, and brought a hand to his head.

“Good.  You’re awake.”  It was Thomas carrying a tray with tea and toast.  He sat the tray on Jimmy’s bed.  “I see I had a good idea,” Thomas said as glanced at the basin on the floor and scrunched his face as anyone catching a glimpse of someone’s pool of sick would.  He then looked at Jimmy and asked, “How are you feeling?”

“Like absolute shite.  Wait- You’re idea?”  Jimmy looked at him quizzically.  “How did you know I’d been drunk?”

“We can talk about it later.  As far as Carson knows, you’re sick from something you ate last night and I’m covering for you on top of my own tasks.  I don’t have time to chat so get some rest, and get this,” his eyes motioned toward the basin, “cleaned up.”   Thomas turned heel and left.

Talk about it later?  Jimmy suddenly had a very unsettling feeling in the pit of his stomach.  What if something  _ did _ happen last night and he hadn’t actually been dreaming.  He sunk to the floor and cradled his face in both hands.  At this point he willed the recurring memory to haunt him again, a safer solitude of feelings he had trouble deciphering, rather than potential events he had no true memory of.


	4. Chapter 4

In the evening Jimmy lay in his bed. The terrible headache had finally gone. The time was nearing that the other servants should be eating dinner, so he had hopes that Thomas would bring him another tray of something, and then maybe they could talk about last night.

A knock came at the door. "Come in."

The door opened and to Jimmy’s surprise it was not Thomas bringing him a tray, but Alfred. "Brought you something to eat."

"I can see that. Thank you," Jimmy said taking the tray from Alfred. "I thought Mr. Barrow would have been the one to bring it."

"He was occupied when the girls got it ready. Besides I’d planned to check on you before the day was out, though it looks like there was nothing to worry about." Alfred crossed his arms and put on his best expression of mock anger.

Over time Jimmy had also become better acquainted with Alfred. He wouldn’t say that they were friends in any similar sense to what he shared with Thomas, but more pals, the sort you got on with, but never got too close to. They still had their differences in opinion and work ethics, but as they spent most of their day together, they did get on quite well. While they shared no deep bond, as one spends more time with another generally one tends to give more care of their well-being.

Jimmy wasn’t overly shocked that Alfred would worry about him and really wondered if it was intended to be as much a joke as the expression that went along with it, though they both gave a good chuckle. "Now don’t tell me you’ve been worried about silly old me. Just something off about my dinner from last night."

Alfred’s eyes narrowed and he glared very seriously at Jimmy. "That’s just the cover story, Jimmy. You were passed out drunk."

Jimmy’s eyes widened as he quickly jerked his head to look up at Alfred. "How do you know about that?"

Alfred’s brow furrowed. He shut the door to the room before speaking. "Because I had to help Mr. Barrow carry you to your bed."

"You what?" Jimmy’s mouth hung open in disbelief.

"I got up and went to the toilet in the middle of the night and on my way back to my room found Mr. Barrow dragging you passed out across the hall. Of course I thought something terrible at first, but he asked me for help. I didn’t figure it would do to have anyone else see, so I helped him. He said you had drunk something, gone to his room and passed out. I wouldn’t have believed him if I hadn’t found your flask. It was on your breath pretty bad too."

Jimmy bit his lip and stared at his dinner. He felt so embarrassed he couldn’t even look at Alfred. "I don’t even remember a thing."

"What the hell did you drink Jimmy?!" After a brief pause and a shrug of Jimmy’s shoulders Alfred continued, "Never mind. I don’t want to know, but whatever it was, I wouldn’t suggest it again."

Jimmy looked back up at Alfred, shaking his head. "No, definitely not."

"You just better be happy Mr. Barrow’s still sweet on you, and I don’t want on his bad side."

"What?!"

"You’re not in a single ounce of trouble because he’s covered for you."

"Well of course he would, but it’s ‘cause we’re close mates now is all. I don’t know what you’re on about him being _sweet on me_ ," Jimmy reasoned.

"Mates or not, he still looks at you the way he always has. He is a bit different since the two of you have been getting on." Jimmy raised an eyebrow questioningly. "I guess I mean, I do believe what he told me last night. That he hadn’t done anything to you. That you really had just passed out."

"He didn’t tell me anything that happened at all when I saw him earlier. Just that I’d been drunk, and the story he’d told Mr. Carson."

"Well, I should probably get back down."

Alfred left the room giving Jimmy even more thoughts to swirl around in his mind. So he had actually gone to Thomas’s room last night. Then what he dreamed happened after, _Did that happen too?_ , he wondered. He had to wait for Thomas. They had to talk about last night, and they had to talk about it as soon as possible.

~~~ 

A couple of hours passed and there was another knock at Jimmy’s door. The visitor did not wait to be welcomed in. It was Thomas at long last. "Good to see you’ve gotten something substantial in your stomach," Thomas said as he looked down at Jimmy’s tray to see he’d eaten all he was brought.

"Thank you. For everything today."

Thomas grabbed the tray. "Don’t mention it."

Thomas turned to leave when Jimmy stopped him. "Thomas, wait. Is that all?"

"I only came for the tray, Jimmy. Mrs. Patmore and the girls are trying to finish up their cleaning in the kitchen," Thomas explained.

"Oh. Can we talk again when you come up to turn in?" Jimmy asked.

Thomas sighed lightly smiled softly at Jimmy. "I’d rather not tonight. I’m quite worn."

"But-" Jimmy attempted to protest.

"Tomorrow. I promise." Thomas left the room closing the door behind him.

Jimmy was very unhappy of the idea of not speaking to Thomas until the next day. Alfred had told him too much, but too little and he knew Thomas knew everything. Jimmy may have rested well last night, but he knew if he couldn’t suss the truth out of Thomas tonight, he would never be able to get a wink of sleep.

~~~

And so Jimmy waited. With the many sleepless nights he’d had he knew just when everyone was up for the night and tucked away into their rooms. He knew the exact number of doors that would close, which ones would re-open for someone using the facilities to clean up for the night, and then close again, and he knew exact sound of Thomas’s door in particular.

He debated a few times if this was worth upsetting Thomas about, but his reasoning determined he must find out the truth and find out tonight. Thomas may be upset, but he knew the other would look at him with that worried expression again if he turned up in the morning obviously having found no sleep.

He stood from his bed, switched off his lamp and quietly opened his door. He stepped into the hallway then gingerly closed the door behind him. He stared across the hallway as he willed his bare feet to move forward. He realized halfway across the hall he should have put on his robe and slippers, hoping Thomas wouldn’t berate him his state of undress, light blue plaid pyjama top and bottoms and his feet bare.

He very lightly knocked at Thomas’s door. The other man must have been standing relatively close as the knock had not been loud and it was mere seconds before the door cracked open and Thomas peered out. "Jimmy, go back to bed. I said we’d talk tomorrow."

"I can’t wait ‘till tomorrow. Please?" Jimmy pleaded knowing he was putting on quite the show of puppy dog eyes.

Thomas pulled his lips into a thin line and hesitated a moment before he let Jimmy into his room, silently closing the door behind the younger man. "What is it, Jimmy?"

Jimmy had walked into the room then turned to answer Thomas’s question. "I need to know what happened last night. I know I was drunk, and Alfred told me he found you dragging me across the hall. Said you told him I’d come to your room and passed out."

Thomas pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. He looked Jimmy in the eye, his fatigue obvious, and spoke, "And that’s exactly what happened."

Jimmy furrowed his brow, then sat down on the side of Thomas’s bed. "There’s got to be more than just that. I mean, you must have been asleep. Did I wake you?"

Thomas chuckled, sporting a bemused smile. "You did wake me. There was a thud that startled me." He walked closed to the bed. Pointed at the closest lamp as he continued, "Turned on my lamp. And here you were," he motioned with his hands and looked down at the floor in the spot where he’d found Jimmy the previous night. "I think you’d tripped."

"Well, that would explain the bruise on my knee. So I really just passed out? Right there on your floor?"

"No." Thomas quickly mentally berated himself. That would have been the easiest way to have avoided the awkward part of what had happened.

"Then what happened? Did I say anything?"

Thomas, as usual, the quick thinker even in his tired state quickly thought of a convincing half-truth about what had happened next. He made his way to sit down on the side of the bed next to Jimmy. "I was really groggy actually. I know you said something, but it’s a bit fuzzy. You got up and sat down on the bed, like you are now. I’d already sat down, here like I am now. You grabbed my arm like so," Thomas demonstrated, grabbing Jimmy’s bicep then leaned his face closer to the other man’s. "Then you said something. I think something about being itchy, which was when I smelled your breath and realized what was going on. Then you just sort of lost consciousness and passed out." Thomas went slack against Jimmy then rolled backward to lay with his back flat on the bed as he emphasized the phrase "passed out". "Which mind you, is what I’d really like to do right now myself."

Jimmy was now smiling and chuckling and Thomas’s reenactment. The blond man’s cheeks were tinged a bit pink, embarrassed at what a sight he must have been the previous night. "I’m really quite sorry about that."

Thomas sat back up and smiled, relieved Jimmy had believed what he’d told him. He didn’t feel guilty about changing it up a bit, as he was sure they would not both be smiling at the moment. "It’s okay. We all manage to do foolish things from time to time."

"Thank you, for covering for me today though. But why did you do it all? I mean, you haul me to my bed, you prepared that I’d be sick, you lied to Mr. Carson about why I was sick, with a believable cover story, made sure I was brought trays, and Alfred tells me you covered all my work on top of your own. I feel I made quite the fool of myself, disrupted your sleep and I’ll walk down stairs tomorrow and no one will be the wiser."

Thomas smiled and chuckled. "That’s a stupid question. You’re my best mate. As I said we all do foolish things from time to time. I doubt you’d have enjoyed a yelling at from Carson with the headache you must have had this morning."

The little things like this were what Jimmy enjoyed most about his friendship with Thomas. Thomas Barrow had a very infectious smile. Jimmy was sure he was one of the few people to ever witness it, as it quite obviously did not appear often, and he loved it. It was like a secret, shared just between the two of them.

"See, that’s what I told Alfred. We’re mates, of course we’d cover for each other like that. But then he went off on some, ‘You’d better be happy Mr. Barrow’s still sweet on you’ nonsense."

Thomas’s smile faded and he sheepishly looked away from Jimmy. "Well I guess it’s not entirely nonsense."

"What?"

Thomas looked back at Jimmy with a sad smile. "I told you once that I loved you. I’m not sure if you remember, but you laughed. I loved you from the moment I saw you, and I think I’ve loved you more every day since. Even through the…unpleasant times. I just believed that what you were doing wasn’t really you. The real you. So even then I still kept loving you more. I’m quite foolish more often than I’d care to admit."

Jimmy couldn’t do anything but stare. A wave of many feelings at once washed over him. He knew Thomas still felt more, wanted more, than what Jimmy was giving and could offer him with their friendship (he’d always known, but occasionally forgot about it), but to hear him talk about love and how he loved him. Jimmy knew he cared very strongly about Thomas, but the memories and dreams had really been mustering some more awkward feelings he still hadn’t managed to completely discern. The thing that hit him most strongly at this moment though was a feeling of guilt.

"Is it painful for you to be around me?"

"No. It was a little painful for the year that you tried to avoid me and made snide remarks about my manhood. But now, even if this is all I get of you, I still get to be close to you. To know you. And that makes me happy." The initial sadness of Thomas’s smile began to fade.

"I’m still sorry about those things I said."

"I know," Thomas chuckled as he patted Jimmy on the back. His hand then lingered on Jimmy’s shoulder. "Jimmy. Just let me love you. Even if you’ll never feel the same, just let me." Thomas leaned toward Jimmy and kissed the other man on the cheek. Jimmy’s eyes went wide, more surprise than anger at the gesture. "And if you ever feel guilty about our friendship hurting me, then let me sneak one of those when we’re alone." Thomas grinned mischievously.

"Now, that really is pushing things," Jimmy told him, though the color of his face and lack of angering expression betrayed his threat.

"Says the man who was complaining only recently about me not touching him enough," Thomas retorted.

Jimmy rolled his eyes and playfully shoved Thomas’s arm and he stood up from the bed. "Go to bed, Thomas." Jimmy made his way to the door. "And thank you, again, about today." Jimmy left Thomas’s room and walked back across the hall to his own. As he closed the door to his room he leaned back upon in, put a hand to his cheek that Thomas had kissed ever so lightly moments ago, squeezed his eyes shut, and sank down the door to the floor.


	5. Chapter 5

If it wasn’t already enough that Jimmy had been having haunting memories in dreams, a simple, almost innocent, peck on the cheek was all it took to send Jimmy’s mind racing in directions he’d been continually trying to avoid.

He was unsure of how long he sat on the floor against his door, or when he’d managed to find his way to bed, but as he woke to the wake-up call the next morning he groaned profusely.  He’d not had enough sleep and certainly not enough good sleep to feel in any way well rested.  He’d spent most of the previous day resting, though it was undone completely with one simple action.  Something a child would do that none the less.  And he was sure that despite that he could not remember any dream he may have had during the night that that simple action had been the catalyst for some dream resulting in the embarrassing mess upon his pyjama bottoms he awoke with.

Maybe it was the kiss combined with the love confession.  Jimmy knew Thomas still desired him, but since it was not a subject they ever breached until the previous night, he’d never realized exactly how the other man truly felt.  And Jimmy did feel something akin to guilt that he could not return such a sentiment.  He cared more for Thomas than anyone else in his life currently, but he didn’t think he could call it love.

Jimmy’s mind wandered back to when Thomas had rescued him from the beating at the fair.  How he had told him he thought he was very brave.  Jimmy had continued to find many things about his dear friend that only proved the other’s bravery to him.  Being able to just say the things he’d said.  Asking Jimmy to just let him love him.  Jimmy thought they were such terribly soppy things to say, but someone as dignified as Thomas would have to be so brave to say them.  To wear his heart so carelessly on his sleeve and put himself out there.  It was not something he did every day or in public, though Jimmy realized it wasn’t so long ago he would have punched the other man straight in the face for saying something of the sort to him, leaving Jimmy only to wonder what had changed in him.  And if he could figure out what had changed, would he be brave enough to ever do or say anything about it?

He’d been intending to talk to Thomas for weeks now about everything that kept running around in his brain.  Knowing now how deep Thomas’s feelings were Jimmy was terrified of giving the wrong signals or impression to talk about such matters with him.  Yet there was still truly no one else he felt he could turn to and he had to do something before he never slept again.

~~~

Thomas exited his room to make his way downstairs when he noticed Jimmy slowly coming out of his room.  “Morning Jimmy,” he said as he approached the younger man.

“Morning,” Jimmy mumbled out as he looked up at Thomas with a weak smile.

“You look horrid.  Like you haven’t slept a wink,” Thomas stated frankly.

“Well, I must have slept at some point since I woke up from sleeping,” Jimmy replied weakly.

As the two headed down the stairs Thomas kept thinking there was something different, off, about Jimmy.  When he finally pinpointed it he asked, “What did you do with your hair?”

“Just slicked it down and back this morning.  Would claim I was trying something different, but honestly it just wasn’t cooperating.”  Jimmy had moved slowly dressing this particular morning.  He had begun his usual hair styling, but was having more trouble than usual taming more stray hairs than he was used to.  He heard several doors closing and happened to look at the time when he gave up and just slicked it with pomade and combed it quickly.

“Make sure you take a bath and give it a good wash tonight so it might be more cooperative tomorrow.  It doesn’t suit you at all.”  Thomas had been very snide with his comment and quickly regretted it as he noticed an unfamiliar look on Jimmy’s face.   He’d expected his friend to brush it off with some joke about his own hair, it always being styled in similar fashion.  Jimmy’s expression looked a bit pained; ashamed maybe, Thomas deduced.

The two broke off at the main floor.  Jimmy went straight to his morning tasks and Thomas continued down to see Mr. Carson.

~~~

The comments about his hair throughout the day never stopped.  Jimmy had smiled probably for the only time the whole day when Thomas gave Alfred a swift kick under the breakfast table as he was about to add to comments that had already been made.    There was Thomas, always seemingly watching out for him.   But he was also the catalyst for the dreadful day.

It had been many a day he’d been at Downton since he’d last felt every last person and thing was against him.  He’d wanted to coerce Thomas into another private chat tonight, to hopefully finally be able to get everything off his chest to the other man.   He’d tried to concentrate very clearly about what he would say while he’d been taking his bath.   

With surprise Jimmy ran into Thomas in the hall on his way back to his room.  Thomas had just come up from downstairs.  “Nice bath, Jimmy?” Thomas asked noticing Jimmy’s still wet hair and the towel slung over his shoulder.

“Just the usual,” he replied.  Thomas was about to enter his room when Jimmy spoke again.  “Oh, Thomas, can I talk to you before you turn in for the night?”

“Sure.”

“Let me just put my things away.”  Jimmy entered his own room to deposit his towel and toiletries.  Before going back out to the hallway he breathed in deeply then exhaled to collect his thoughts and everything he wanted to say to Thomas.  He then headed out down and across the hall to Thomas’ room, which the other had left the door cracked open knowing he was coming.  Jimmy entered, gently closing the door behind him.  He was standing in Thomas’s room in his pyjamas whilst the other was dressing down to get more comfortable.

Thomas was sitting on his bed, removing his shoes.  “I’m sorry about this morning, by the way.”

“You what?” Jimmy was confused by the statement.

“I commented on your hair on the way downstairs.  I thought you’d banter back or make a joke or something, but you just went all quiet and made a face just before we parted.  Also you’ve not seemed yourself most of the day either.  Thought it was a bit my fault,” Thomas explained.

Jimmy made his way to sit in the arm chair in Thomas’s room facing the other as he’d been speaking.  He leaned his elbow on the arm of the chair and rested his face against his palm as he spoke, “I was a bit embarrassed.  Have been all day thanks to no one being able to ignore it.  Not quite awake enough to retort.  Not enough sleep to have been quite awake.”

Thomas stood and removed his bracers then his dress shirt leaving him in his trousers and undershirt.  He spoke as he picked up his jacket from where he’d already deposited it on the bed and took it to hang in his wardrobe.  “Sleep still eluding you then?”

Jimmy’s gaze followed Thomas as he moved across the room.  “That’s why I wanted to talk to you actually.”

Thomas’s eyebrows shot up in surprise.  He smiled and made his way back to sit on the bed.  “Do tell, what is it that’s been stealing away your slumber?  That is if you’re ready to tell me this time.”

The two shared a moment of silence as Jimmy looked into Thomas’s eyes, before diverting them to his fidgeting hands in his lap.  “It’s you.”

Thomas’s face contorted into complete confusion.  “What?”

“It’s you,” Jimmy repeated.  He looked back up at Thomas.  “Look, before I go any farther I don’t want you to take anything the wrong way and I’m really sorry because I know we sort of agreed that we wouldn’t bring up the kiss and all that mess.  It just keeps playing over and over again when I go to sleep; waking up with you kissing me and Alfred at the door.”

Thomas cringed and then seemed to focus on something on the floor as Jimmy continued.

“I still wish Alfred had never been there.  I just think we could have talked about it all more rationally then.  Well, I think that now anyway, but I really felt so many things in such a tiny expanse of time.  The way it’s been playing over it’s as though I’m watching it all happen.  I’m there seeing it happen to myself, but still having the same feelings as the me I’m watching, and as many times as it’s happened trying to analyze and rationalize them all.

“I was angry.  I thought earlier before it happened that maybe I could almost start to trust you a little.  I’d been a little leery feeling about you, the way you’d touched me and all that because it just wasn’t something I was used to in the least, but then there we were alone and while I hadn’t opened up anything to anyone, there I was telling you about my parents.  I didn’t have to say a thing about feeling lonely, you just read me like a book there, just for that moment.  No one has ever been that perceptive of the things I don’t say, and to make me genuinely feel they could commiserate.   It was something so tiny, so simple.  When you kissed me I felt angry at you because I felt like I’d been betrayed, manipulated, by the one person I thought I might could trust for the first time in a very long time.  Yet, I trust you now completely so much it almost scares me.”

Thomas looked back up at Jimmy, his expression neutral and trying to focus on the other man.

“You also scared me, which of course was another reason I was angry.  And honestly who wouldn’t have been in my situation?  Even if it had been something I’d wanted I still think you initially would have scared me as soon as I’d woken.  But honestly what scares me most of all is that from it replaying so much in my head is that I’m not so sure I hated it.”

“What?”

“That’s what I meant when I said I didn’t want you getting any wrong ideas.  But it’s something that has been bothering me.  I think that kiss on the cheek last night sort of set my mind off about it all over again.  I mean, it’s not like I go about my day wanting to kiss you, just that the times you’ve kissed me I’m not sure I’ve hated it.  Well, I did have this dream the other night that I’d crawled up on you and started going at kissing you.  The night I was drunk.  I didn’t wake up hating that.  And I suppose, I’m thinking about it now because we’re talking about it and all.  I’m really sorry, Thomas, but I just needed to tell someone about it all and you’re the only one I could, even though it involves you and I just feel really terrible, but thought maybe you’d understand.  I’m honestly most confused about why this is all bothering and nagging at me at all.” Jimmy focused again on his hands in his lap which were now clasped tightly together.  He’d never been so openly honest with anyone before about what was bothering him.  He’d never had anyone before Thomas he thought he could share things like this with and was still unsure how the other had taken all of this in as he’d been for the most part silent and intently listening.   
  
“I don’t really know what to tell you Jimmy.   Do you think any of this has changed the way you feel toward me?”  

Jimmy felt he could see the tiniest glint of hope in Thomas’s eyes.  He’d be lying to say it didn’t scare him a little.  “Not sure,” he admitted.

Thomas’s face hardened in an instant.  “Right now… This moment, right now, how do you feel about me?”  

Jimmy looked up eyes wide and unsure how to answer.  He was quiet probably longer than he should have been as he watched a wave of emotions move across Thomas’s face.  

Thomas closed his eyes tightly, the tiniest bit of moisture threatening to leak from the corners, and drew his lips into a thin line as his brow furrowed.  “Never mind.  Get out.”

“Thomas-”

“Get out and go to bed Jimmy,” Thomas repeated unmoving.

“I trust you.  I like being around you.  You’re brave and admirable.  You’re a great mate.  I think about you when you’re not around, wishing you were there.  I care about you, realizing it’s more than I’ve ever really cared about anyone before.  And while I’ve never had reason to worry about you, I’m worried right now that trying to be honest with you has possibly ruined what we’ve got.”  Jimmy had spoken every comment just as it came to mind.  It was all the things he knew he’d felt toward Thomas, but never been able to say outright.  He said them now hoping even one of the comments would fix whatever he’d screwed up.   He said it all looking directly at Thomas and now awaiting the other’s reaction.

Thomas finally opened his eyes and looked back at Jimmy.  He shook his head and half smiled. “No, Jimmy, you haven’t ruined anything.  You do make it rather hard at times.  After all you just said, and if you trust me, I think there’s something I need to be a bit more honest with you about.”

“What is that?”

“I may have lied a tiny bit to you last night about how you passed out when you were drunk.  I don’t think you were completely dreaming that night, just I don’t think you remember it correctly.  You weren’t sitting here on the bed with me, you did crawl onto me and you didn’t kiss me, but you tried.  And you’ve no idea how badly I wished you hadn’t been drunk.  If I hadn’t smelled it on you I wouldn’t have deflected you.  I think what you may have dreamt is what you had actually been trying to do.  I hope you can forgive me for twisting that a bit on you.  You already seemed to feel so poorly about the rest of it.”  

Jimmy’s face was completely red.  He’d never been so embarrassed. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine.  You’ve already apologized about that whole ordeal.”

“I think maybe I should go now,” Jimmy said and stood from the chair.

“Wait.  You’ve said a lot of things.  You said you didn’t want me to get the wrong idea about it, but I don’t know any other ideas to have.  You say you like my company, care about me, think about me… These are all things I feel the same way about with you, and I love you!”

Jimmy turned, not yet moving toward the door but unable to look at Thomas for what he had to say.  “I don’t know what that’s like.  I know that everything I feel toward you I feel very strongly, more so than I’ve ever felt with any other person, and I probably do think of you as more than just a friend, but I still don’t think I could give you what you want.”  

“So what does that make us?  More than friends, less than lovers?”  Thomas stood and walked up behind Jimmy placing his hands on the sides of the other’s shoulders.  He leaned his head in just behind Jimmy’s left ear and spoke, “If you don’t hate the idea of kissing, wouldn’t it do well to reason you might not hate other things as well?”

Jimmy stepped forward and turned breaking away from Thomas.  “Good night, Thomas.”  He moved to the door and as he let himself out he lastly said, “I’m sorry.”


	6. Chapter 6

Jimmy returned to his room and slowly sat down on his bed.  He lay back and stared at the ceiling.  He tried to take everything that had just happened into consideration.   _ “More than friends, less than lovers”, _ Thomas had said.   Tonight had made Jimmy realize just how much and highly he thought of Thomas.  He really did mean more to him that what a simple friendship should constitute.

He knew Thomas had been joking with the comment about touching, but he really did just want to ease some of the tension he’d noticed.  It also was nice to feel a physical reconfirmation of closeness.  No one had been able to give him that since his parents back when he was a young boy.  Could the feelings he had amount to love?  Was he in love with Thomas?  Jimmy had never been in love.  There had always been girls around that seemed to fancy him, but he never really cared in return.  He knew what was expected of him as far as politeness and flattery, but the farthest he’d really ever gone was flirting, which turned into kissing, though he was never the one to initiate.  In the end he never hated kissing, and apparently he didn’t hate it completely coming from another man, though he thought maybe it was just Thomas, as suddenly his brain attempted to imagine what it would be like puckering up to Alfred and he couldn’t control himself from shuddering at the thought.  So why was Thomas different?

On top of this, of course, he couldn’t stop thinking on Thomas’s last comment.  If he didn’t hate the kissing would he hate other things?   What all exactly did Thomas want to do to or with him?  Jimmy knew men of Thomas’s sort existed, though he’d never had any care or use for the knowledge of what two men would do together intimately.  Not that he couldn’t figure it out easily enough, just not something he cared to think about.  He’d heard a few bits here and there that men of that sort only interested in bedroom affairs, though Jimmy couldn’t fathom the way Thomas acted and spoke that it was all he cared about.  The way he perceived Thomas was as though it was the same sort of thing like he’d been told about what it was supposed to be like to fall in love with a woman.  Where you were supposed to be in love and then out of love you wanted to be with the other person in every way possible.

Could he ever be like that with Thomas?  Was he so sure he could never give the man what he wanted?  As Jimmy stared blankly into the ceiling for an unknown amount of time he decided maybe he’d like to try.

~~~

Thomas awoke the next morning feeling numb to the world.  He readied himself and made his way downstairs directly to his morning tasks.  He felt so very wounded.  Jimmy could say all the lovely nice things, build his hopes up after such a long time now, and then still reject him and with such a lack of explanation.  

Thomas avoided the servants’ hall during breakfast.  He loitered around the kitchen and ate alongside Mrs. Patmore and the other girls in the kitchen.

“Why aren’t ya eattin’ with everyone else, Mr. Barrow?” Daisy asked.

“Doesn’t hurt me to associate with the rest of the staff from time to time, now does it?  You used to enjoy my company, didn’t you Daisy?” he replied.

“Used to,” she said flatly.  

“Time to time? This is a first time,” Mrs. Patmore pointed out quite blatantly.

Daisy and Ivy finished their meals up and began readying the morning tea trays for the family as it was almost time they should be waking.

“Fine,” he grumbled.  “I’m avoiding someone.”  He continued eating a piece of toast still seated next to Mrs. Patmore but watching the girls go to work.

“We all see each other through the day, what point is there of trying to avoid someone when you’ll eventually see them anyway?”  Ivy asked curiously.

“Prolonging unpleasant tension helps you to decide how you want to deal with the situation at hand in which has you avoiding the person, I think,” Thomas replied.

“Not getting into trouble like old times, are we Mr. Barrow?” Mrs. Patmore asked.  The smile on her face gave away the joking nature.

“Nothing sinister, just a friendly squabble.”

Mrs. Patmore leaned in and lowered her voice when she spoke again to Thomas, “Trouble in paradise with our James is it?”

Thomas was just swallowing a drink of tea and gulped very hard trying not to choke.  His eyes wide with shock and he looked at the cook.  “I haven’t a clue what you’re on about,” he spoke back in the same hushed tone trying to keep calm hoping his face hadn’t already betrayed him.

“Of course you don’t.”  Mrs. Patmore rose from her seat.  “Well, seeing as they should be finishing up shortly, you’d best hurry yourself and duck out into the yard before you get yourself questioned by Mr. Carson or Mrs. Hughes for why you were dining in the kitchen,” Mrs. Patmore suggested, her voice back to usual volume.

Thomas quickly devoured the rest of what he was eating and drained his teacup.  “I trust this can be our little secret Mrs. Patmore.  Let me know if there’s anything you need picking up the next time I’m out.”

“I’ll let you know,” Mrs. Patmore replied.  

Thomas smirked and made his way out the door to the kitchen yard.

“Keep a tight lip girls and I’ll make a list and take your requests,” Mrs. Patmore said to the girls as soon as she knew Thomas was out of earshot.

~~~

After the respective servants took their tea trays most of the servants’ hall was dispersing and Jimmy and Alfred made their way to the kitchen to await the dishes they would be taking upstairs for the family’s breakfast.  

As breakfast finished Jimmy made note that Thomas had not been present.  He’d not seen him about before breakfast time either, but no one made mention of him missing, so someone must have seen him to not be concerned.

He and Alfred made their way to the kitchens to await the family’s breakfast which would need to be taken up.  They made their usual greetings with Daisy and Ivy.  Jimmy stood at the counter opposite Daisy.  “Has anyone seen Mr. Barrow this morning?” he asked casually.  

Daisy and Ivy stopped for a moment to look at each other and then Daisy looked down the counter at Mrs. Patmore.  “No, haven’t seen him,” Daisy replied.

Jimmy followed her line of sight across to Mrs. Patmore whom he felt was giving him quite the odd look which made him a bit uncomfortable.  Something though definitely didn’t seem right about the hesitation to answer and the exchanged glances between the cooks.

By dinner time Jimmy had decided Thomas was most definitely avoiding him.  He’d know, as it was not too long ago he’d done the same to the under butler.  During the servants’ dinner Jimmy sat about mid-way down the table, opposite side of Thomas.  He glanced several times at Thomas, trying to catch his eye.  As he never was able to, he was sure of it then he was being strongly avoided.  

And it hurt.  He became disinterested in his dinner as his stomach tied itself in knots.  Jimmy had never had this sort of feeling before.  There were a lot of feelings that were becoming a first when it came to matters concerning Thomas.

Thomas headed for the attics not long after dinner finished up.  Jimmy stayed in the hall playing a game of solitaire with his deck of cards.   He finished before retiring to bed himself.  However he was not heading for his own room.  He knew he and Thomas had not exactly ended on a high note the previous evening, but avoiding him all together was not going to put anything the way it should be.  He walked straight into Thomas’s room and closed the door behind him, not even knocking.

Thomas across the room was clad only in his pyjama trousers, standing in front of his dresser which hosted a small mirror, shaving cream covering a third of his face and razor in hand.  “Dammit, Jimmy, you scared me.  I almost cut myself.”

Jimmy leaned his back against the door and grimaced bashfully.  “I’m sorry, I should have knocked.”

“Yes.  You should have.”  Thomas snapped as he turned back to the mirror and proceeded with his shaving.  

Jimmy made his way into the room and then sat down on the edge of Thomas’ bed, watching the other man as he completed his task.  This was the first time Jimmy had seen Thomas in such a state of undress.  He watched Thomas’ back mesmerized somehow by the way his muscles and shoulder blades moved as he completed the task at hand.  He thought of how the pale, flawless skin looked as though it would be soft to the touch.  He was brought back from his daze as Thomas turned around now spreading aftershave across the now freshly smooth skin.

“What is it Jimmy?”

“I-um…I’ve barely seen you today,” Jimmy managed to say.

“Well, there’s reason for that,” Thomas spit out with a touch of venom to his voice.

“I-” Jimmy started.

Thomas walked over to the bed, picked up his pyjama top from next to Jimmy, then sat down on the bed.  “You know what you did.  You were only trying to be honest with me so I guess you’ve nothing to be sorry for.  Though that thought doesn’t stop the pain.”

“No it doesn’t.”  Jimmy turned to look at Thomas.  “Nor does the idea of you avoiding me.”  Thomas pulled his top onto his arms and up his shoulders while looked across the room.  Jimmy was sure he knew that look to mean the other felt at least a tiny bit guilty.  Jimmy placed a hand on Thomas’ shoulder to pull his attention back to him.  “Thomas I- I want- Dammit,” Jimmy cursed and ran a hand through his hair.  Saying what he wanted to say, if he could ever get it out, was going to mortally wound his pride.  There was no way around it.  “More,” he said barely above a whisper.  “I want more.”

Thomas’ brow knit in confusion.  “What?”

Jimmy stood and stepped a few steps forward before turning back to look at Thomas, whose gaze followed him, demanding explanation.  “The things you said last night.  I’ve never felt anything I could say was love the way people explain it.  I do know however the way you make me feel… Is like nothing I’ve ever felt toward anyone.  Ever.  I think maybe everything that’s been plaguing my thoughts lately is leading me to believe I want more.”

“Please be careful of your words.”  Thomas said as he stood and walked up to Jimmy.  

“I am.”  Jimmy reached his hands to Thomas’ face and pulled him fiercely into a kiss.

Thomas brought his hands to Jimmy’s hips and backed him up into the wardrobe.  He took control of the kiss, plunging his tongue past Jimmy’s lips which found itself welcome.  

Jimmy moaned, surprised, but rather happily at the feel of Thomas’ tongue in his mouth.  He moved a hand to run through Thomas’ hair and dropped the other down to his chest, still exposed from where Thomas had not yet buttoned his pyjama top.  As his fingers brushed over one of Thomas’ nipples Thomas moved his hands to cup both Jimmy’s cheeks and pressed flush into him.  Jimmy’s hands both knocked askew found themselves wrapping around Thomas to his back underneath the pyjama top.  As he gripped onto the others back, it was in fact quite soft and smooth as he had imagined earlier.

Neither was sure which broke the kiss, but they both panted, foreheads pressed together as they looked at each other through heavy lidded eyes.  “That was- Oh, Thomas, that- I’ve never kissed anyone like that in my life.”

“Did you like it?” Thomas asked, nuzzling Jimmy’s nose with his own.

Jimmy smiled sheepishly.  “Very much.”  He turned his head to the side, breathing in deeply to catch his breath.  The smile slowly faded from his face.  “We should be more careful.  There’s no locks on these doors,” Jimmy whispered as he looked at the door to Thomas’ room.

Thomas turned his gaze to the door.  Jimmy let his hands fall from Thomas’ back to his sides.  Thomas grabbed Jimmy’s hands in his own and took a step back. “Not that I have any fears of anyone bursting through my door, but you’re right.  There are still others awake that could be just outside at any time.”  Thomas brought Jimmy’s left hand up to his lips and kissed it.

“I haven’t a clue where we go from here,” Jimmy admitted.  And he truly didn’t.  He searched Thomas’ eyes for the answer.

Thomas smiled.  “I’ll die a happy man if we never do more than just kissing like that.  We never have to do anything more than you want or are comfortable with.  If at any point you tell me to stop, you have my word, I will.”

Jimmy smiled and blushed.  What was this man doing to him?  Why did this prospect actually excite him?  At the moment he felt too drunk off that kiss and the smell of Thomas’ aftershave to even care to try and figure out the answers to these thoughts.  Jimmy wiggled his hands free from Thomas’ and found their way to the buttons on the other man’s pyjama top.  He started at the bottom and began to button it up.  “I think maybe we should call it a night for now.”

Thomas leaned in and brought his lips to Jimmy’s where they shared a short, but sweet kiss.  “Goodnight then, Jimmy.  I love you.”

“And I care very much for you, Thomas.  Goodnight.”  Jimmy cautiously cracked the door to observe no one was in the hallway, then left and made his way to his own room.


	7. Chapter 7

Jimmy found himself amazed with how a kiss could change the demeanor of a person so quickly.  Thomas had spent a day avoiding him, but with a kiss he’d easily become a careless love sick fool, Jimmy thought.  Oh, but what a kiss it had been.  Jimmy had managed to sleep a decent night’s sleep with a mostly natural awakening for the first time in quite a while.  

While his dreams had not plagued him with worries, they would not stop during his waking hours.  There were so many things to be happy, thrilled,  and excited about at the prospect of being more than just friends with Thomas, but there was still the lingering quest within his own mind to know what had changed him to consider being content with feeling this way.  Then there was the frightful prospect of what could happen if they were ever caught or even suspected of such a relationship.

The day whizzed by in a daze.   As he and Alfred had been released to go back downstairs from serving the family after dinner drinks Alfred commented, “You alright Jimmy?  You seem a bit off from usual today.”

“What are you talking about?” He asked, though he knew the other man was right.  He’d caught glimpses of himself in the mirrors he passed throughout the day and had noticed maybe his expression was a bit too solid and stern, and maybe his eyebrows seemed knit a bit too tightly than what was usual.  The glimpses were what he thought he must look like when he was rather angry as they reminded him a bit of the expressions his father wore when he was about to punish him for doing something wrong as a young boy.  But Jimmy wasn’t angry and if he was even a bit, it was at his own mind for keeping him constantly confused about his whole situation with Thomas.

“You look a bit angry, but you seem like your mind’s miles away,” Alfred responded.

Jimmy pushed open the door to the servants’ staircase and began to descend, followed closely still by Alfred.  “Just have a lot on my mind today, I guess.  I don’t want to talk about it.”

Alfred took his cue to not pry further as the two returned the trays they’d carried down to the kitchens.  Alfred turned and went straight to the servants’ hall.  Just as soon as Mr. Carson came down from upstairs they would all sit for dinner.  Jimmy walked over to the doorway of Mr. Carson’s pantry to notice Thomas sitting at the butler’s desk reading some papers.  Jimmy knocked on the door frame and Thomas looked up at him, a small smile stretching its way across his face.

Jimmy felt the corners of his mouth upturn a bit and muscles all over relax that he hadn’t realized he was using.  There it was.  Thomas’s little smile being infectious, Jimmy thought.  “Mr. Carson should be down any time now,” he told the under-butler.

“Good.  I’m starving.”  Thomas neatly stacked the papers he’d been looking at and placed them on the desk before standing.  

Dinner was a chicken stew that was a touch too heavy on the carrot for Jimmy’s tastes.  Dinner went on as usual, everyone chatting a bit rambunctiously of current events and news about the family that was fit and approved by Mr. Carson, with one tiny detail of difference which caused Jimmy to keep quite the firm grip on his spoon.  Thomas grinned at Jimmy from across the table as he trapped the footman’s left foot between his feet and slipped the toe of his shoe up around the blonde’s ankle a few times throughout the meal.

Jimmy did his best to compose himself despite Thomas’s distractions.  He dropped his spoon once which received him a few embarrassing comments.  He attempted to grimace at Thomas, but the corners of his lips kept defying him by curling upward every time he caught Thomas’s smile.

~~~

“Jimmy?”

Jimmy squinted as lights flicked on.  He blinked several times attempting to take in his surroundings.

“What are you doing in here?”  Thomas chuckled as he removed his jacket.  “Not that it’s not a pleasant surprise.”

“Was waiting for you. Must have dozed off.”  Jimmy was in his pyjamas, sitting in the arm chair in the middle of Thomas’ room.  He sat up a bit straighter as he became more coherent.

“Sorry to have kept you waiting.”  Thomas flashed Jimmy a sultry smirk. “However, I would have made a quicker effort if I’d known.”  

Jimmy sat silently watching as the under-butler continued to undress and hang his livery in the wardrobe until he was down to his undershirt and trousers.  He walked to the chair where Jimmy was sitting and sat on the right arm and began to remove his shoes.  “I’ve had too much on my mind today.  Needed to talk to you before I can sleep properly.”

“Looked like you weren’t having too much trouble when I walked in,” Thomas retorted.  After removing his shoes Thomas looked down at Jimmy, smiled softly and gently stroked Jimmy’s cheek with the back of his fingers, careful not to let his glove become part of the gentle gesture.  “Not complaining at all though.  I’ve not seen nearly enough of you for my liking today.”  

At the touch Jimmy, who’d been staring absentmindedly at his hands in his lap as he fidgeted with his fingernails, quickly looked up in surprise.  

Thomas quickly retracted his hand and smiled sheepishly as he stood from the chair arm.  “Sorry,” he whispered.  

“No,” Jimmy quickly said.  “You just surprised me, is all.”

Thomas looked as though he breathed out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding.   He was standing in front of the dresser in the far corner and pulled out a drawer and retrieved a set of pyjamas.  “What is it you wanted to talk about, Jimmy?”  Thomas walked back across to the room and put the pyjamas down on the bed.  He was turned away from Jimmy as he removed his undershirt and trousers and quickly adorned the pyjamas in their place.

“Do you sleep with your glove on?”  Jimmy had intended to keep this as a private thought to himself, but realized he’d blurted it out.  

Thomas turned with a slightly bemused smile as he was buttoning his pyjama top.  “No, but I usually don’t care to take it off until I’m alone.  You know it’s not that pretty.  I’m even self-conscious about it around you.  I have fallen asleep with it on before, but that was because I was too tired to remember to take it off.”

“Sorry I just-” Jimmy looked back down at his hands rather embarrassed.

“You didn’t wait here for me to talk about my glove.”  Thomas walked up to the chair, placed a hand on each arm and leaned down and forward bringing his face within inches of Jimmy’s.  “So what did you need to talk about?”

Jimmy looked up and was instantly lost in the abyss of Thomas’ pale blue eyes.  Every concern seemed to wash away.  His heart over powered its struggle with his brain about how what he was feeling and what he could have with Thomas couldn’t possibly be wrong.   “Nothing too important,” he answered Thomas.  

“Can I kiss you then?”

Jimmy nodded silently.

Thomas closed the gap between his and Jimmy’s lips as both their eyes fluttered shut.  

Jimmy felt himself relax as his lips interlocked with Thomas’.  He could taste the sweet flavor of tobacco from the older man’s lips, smell the faint smell of pomade that slicked back his hair, feel the comfort and care of the hand he soon felt cup his cheek in which he leaned into the touch.   

As they parted Thomas smiled and said, “Why don’t you come sit with me on the bed and make this a bit easier?”

Jimmy nodded.  Thomas stood tall and offered a hand.  Jimmy took it, and when he stood Thomas wrapped his other hand around Jimmy’s waist and pulled him close and brought their lips together again.  

As they parted Thomas smiled and looked into Jimmy’s eyes.  Jimmy smiled sheepishly and averted his eyes.  He then slowly turned his head and the smile dropped from the corners of his mouth as he looked upon the door.  Thomas noticed the fading smile and followed his gaze.  He kissed the side of Jimmy’s forehead and let the younger man go as he walked toward the door.  “Don’t worry.”  He grabbed the wooden chair from his desk and propped it under the door handle.  “We may not have locks, but there are still ways of stopping anyone from being able to burst in.”

Jimmy sat down on the edge of Thomas’ bed and smiled at Thomas as he came to join him, sitting to his left side.

“You were worried.  Is that what you wanted to talk about?” Thomas stroked his fingers through Jimmy’s hair then wrapped an arm around the Jimmy’s shoulders, giving a firm squeeze where his palm then rested.

Jimmy looked at Thomas fervently. “There are truly moments.”

“Hm?”

“It’s like I’ve said before, you have these moments where you read me like a book and you know what I’m thinking,” Jimmy explained.  “It’s as though I want to say something, but don’t know how, then you just do.”  

“Now you’re just being silly.  What is it though?” Thomas inquired. “Obviously it’s bothering you.”

“Getting caught, breaking the rules, breaking the law… Just coming to terms with how risky this is.”

“That’s very normal,” Thomas said.  

Jimmy felt a hint of disappointment in Thomas’ statement.  “I have this gambling problem you see.”  Thomas raised an eyebrow, Jimmy assumed trying to figure out the relevance of his statement, before he continued.  “The greater the risk, the greater the reward and I really like to take big risks.”  Jimmy smiled beamingly at Thomas and chuckled at himself, feeling like a fool.

Thomas smiled and snickered at Jimmy’s joke.  “We do have to be careful though.”

“Careful, says the man with the busy feet under the table.”  Jimmy gave Thomas the best disapproving look he could muster whilst trying not to laugh.  He knew Thomas had been foolish about what he’d done considering they were there with everyone else surrounding them, but he couldn’t deny it had made him a bit happy.  After all he knew he’d looked rather foul all day, but couldn’t stop smiling his way through dinner even though he’d tried not to.

“No one knew, but honestly you do bring out a rather careless side of me I never knew existed before I met you.”

“Try to keep your carelessness to a minimum then.  We’ve got reputations to uphold.”  

Jimmy leaned over to kiss Thomas once again.  Thomas responded eagerly firming his grip on Jimmy’s shoulder once again.  Lip movements were sloppy and rash.  Jimmy feeling himself the more inadequate of the two as he had little experience and knew from a few hints in previous conversations that Thomas had in fact been in romantic relationships before.  Jimmy hadn’t realized both of his hands firmly gripping the tops of his thighs until he felt Thomas’s other hand atop his left hand attempting to intertwine their fingers which made him tense.

Thomas pulled away.  “Jimmy…” Thomas’ lips moved as though he wanted to say something more, but couldn’t decide what.

“I’m no good at this am I?”  Jimmy drew his bottom lip in and nibbled at it nervously.  “This is a bit embarrassing.”

Thomas smiled and chuckled.  “There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”  Thomas shifted sideways on the bed and faced Jimmy.  He brought a hand to his cheek and leaned in to kiss him again.  “Just relax, and follow my lead.”

Jimmy nodded.  He let Thomas start and control the kisses.  When a tongue slipped into his mouth and then out again his tongue followed to find the soft warmth of the other.  Thomas sucked gently on Jimmy’s tongue and when roles were once again reversed Jimmy attempted to duplicate.  Things continued in such fashion until Jimmy found himself lied back on Thomas’ bed, Thomas above him.  He ran a hand through Thomas’ hair and with the other gripped his bicep.  Everything was feeling lovely and very nice to Jimmy.  He couldn’t think of a moment in his life he’d been more excited and thrilled.  Better than any gamble he’d ever made.  Thomas’ hand found Jimmy’s hip bone which he lightly stroked with his thumb.  Their lip lock broke for a moment as Jimmy giggled.  “That tickles,” he admitted.  

Thomas smiled and crushed their lips back together once more.  His busy hand moved to stroke up Jimmy’s inner thigh before grabbing his stiff cock that had already pitched a tent in his pyjamas.

Jimmy’s eyes shot wide open and he shoved Thomas away as he backed as far up against the head of the bed as he could manage. Thomas’ eyes wide in shock.  “What were you doing?” Jimmy asked.

“I’m sorry.  I- I got ahead of myself,” Thomas said panic stricken.

Jimmy stared unsure of what to say, looking Thomas up and down.  He felt a bit uncomfortable about the bulge he noticed in Thomas’s pyjamas realizing that’s what he’d been feeling against leg a short while before.  “I think we may ought to call it a night.”  Jimmy moved and stood from the bed only then realizing how bad his own erection was.  He felt heat the heat of embarrassment come to his face again and he headed for the door, not turning around.  

Thomas took a few deep breaths as he watched Jimmy walk for the door.  “Jimmy, wait.”

Jimmy moved the chair and peeked into the hall which was clear.  He turned his head to almost, but not quite look at Thomas still on the bed.  “Goodnight, Thomas.”

Jimmy slumped against his door just as he got inside his room realizing that he’d essentially run away from Thomas.  He’d been scared and that was the truth of it.  No one had ever touched him in such a way other than himself.  

He pushed off the door and crawled into his bed pulling the covers tightly around himself.  Along with having been scared he was also angry as well.  It was almost like the whole matter about the kiss in the night all over again.  Only almost.  This time Jimmy still wanted to be close to Thomas, but he was angry at him for pushing him further than he was comfortable and somehow being oblivious to it.    It seemed those moments when Thomas’  mind seemed to read his own must truly just be moments.

_ Follow his lead? Where the hell was he leading me?! _

Jimmy shifted and tossed in his bed.  He still had a rather annoying erection that had not subsided.  All the kissing had been quite good, and apparently exciting.  If Jimmy had to be honest with himself, the groping hadn’t felt terrible, it had just been a shock.  

_ Was I supposed to follow and grab his too?   _

Jimmy couldn’t quite fathom the idea of grabbing Thomas’ cock.  He was barely working his way through trying to figure out what Thomas wanted from him as far as where and what he was supposed to do with his hands when they embraced.  Of course lying with a lover and kissing, touching was the next step and then the deed of procreation.  It had all been explained to Jimmy by his father when he was younger, but that was about a man and his wife.  There was no way that speech would have ever prepared him to be lying next to a man and having his body strive for what it wanted that he himself did not yet believe or know that he may ever want.  

Jimmy shimmied his pyjamas down to his knees and took a fist hold of himself.  This sort of act wasn’t something he’d made a habit of, but he’d helped himself along a few times before.  He’d never really made much attempt to imagine anything those few times before, simply lost himself in the feelings and sensations of the squeezing and pumping.  This time, however, was different.

As he closed his eyes images of Thomas came to him.  At first it was the simple little things Jimmy knew he loved about the other man: how he looked when he smoked, that contagious smile he both hated and loved so much.  

As he pumped his fist over his shaft, he ran his thumb over the slick tip of his penis and around the edge of his foreskin and the images in his mind began combining with touch memory; the feeling of Thomas’ lips, his tongue exploring his mouth, his gentle caresses.

As his breath became labored, his hand picked up pace.  Jimmy’s mind no longer saw just images of Thomas or re-lived sensations.  He was now lost in full blown fantasy.  It was no longer his hand pumping his throbbing cock.  It was Thomas’, spooned up to him from behind on the small bed, whispering endearments softly into his ear, kissing down his neck, across his shoulder.  With that Jimmy muffled a ragged moan, shoving his face into his pillow as he came harder than he knew he ever had before.

As the spasms died down he rolled slowly onto his back, still breathing heavily.  

_ What was that?!   _

He brought his hands up to cover his face and then ran them into his hair.  He jerked his hands out in front of him and his face quickly contorted in disgust.  His left hand had been sticky with his own fluid which was now on his forehead and in bits of his hair.  He let out an exasperated sigh, clenched both hands into fists and let them drop heavily to his sides.  Jimmy Kent would not find sleep this night.


	8. Chapter 8

Two weeks passed and Downton had been booming with guests coming, staying, and going.  The family had been hosting many parties to try and raise the spirits of the family and also to attempt to get both Lady Mary and Lady Rose to mingle a bit more.  

Thomas and Jimmy only managed to meet privately twice.  The first time was expectedly awkward after how their last encounter ended.  Jimmy had apologized as they crossed paths the next morning then two days later they managed to meet again in Thomas’s room where they just talked.

The second night they managed to meet almost a week later they squeezed onto Thomas’s bed, cuddled close together and talked some more with a few occasional lazy kisses.  Thomas hadn’t pushed anything since the night he’d groped Jimmy.  He’d worked with difficulty to discipline himself to follow what Jimmy wanted by not doing anything unless the other initiated or asked of it. Their last meeting he’d been both happy and relieved that Jimmy wanted close contact even if nothing more than a few kisses were exchanged.  They just talked about normal things like they always had since becoming friends; about their day, the news in the papers, a book one was reading, idle gossip about the other servants.    

The morning after their last night together Thomas was looking over the time off requests and noticed Jimmy had requested a half-day for the next Thursday.  Thomas wrote down request for the same.  Mr. Carson would make the final approvals, but one of Thomas’s duties was to double check them over and bring anything that might be a conflict to the butler’s attention.  

With no conflicts, Thomas and Jimmy both would have a half day off after the family’s luncheon was served.  Thomas had not asked Jimmy what sort of plans he had, but made his own for the two of them.  Thomas knew Jimmy didn’t usually have actual plans he just wanted the time off to himself away from the house.  

~~~

Thomas spent the last three days figuring out just what they would do; picnic by the lake near the woods.  It was on the far edge of the grounds and rarely did anyone ever go there from what he’d observed.  Thomas had come across it walking around the grounds in his younger years as a footman and had spent a few lazy afternoons alone there when he needed time to himself, but was uninterested in anything going into town had to offer on particular days like that.  It was quiet and out of the way.  In some of his spare time Thomas had scrounged around the storage in the attics to find a hamper and blanket that easily hadn’t been used for years and would not be missed.   

Nicking food from the kitchens had not been a difficulty.  Sneaking down to the kitchens in the middle of the night to make some sandwiches and take a little bit of fruit had been no trouble for Thomas.  He took them back to his room where he had stashed them in the hamper in preparation alongside a bottle of wine.  

Everything was prepared, now it was just the matter of getting Jimmy on board.  After Thomas prepared for the day he stepped out of his room into the hall and made his way over to Jimmy’s door.  He knocked hoping Jimmy hadn’t beat him and gone downstairs yet.  

The door opened tentatively.  “Tho- Mr. Barrow,” Jimmy corrected himself as he noticed one of the hall boys passing down the hall.  “What is it?”

Jimmy appeared as though he’d just finished managing his hair as it looked perfect in Thomas’ opinion, though he was still just in his trousers, white shirt, with his braces upon his shoulders.  Thomas spoke as he took in the sight, “Today’s your half-day.  Coincidentally it’s mine as well.”

Jimmy chuckled.  “Coincidence.  Sure.”

“I was wondering if you might join me?” Thomas asked, lowering his voice.

“What for exactly?”

Thomas’ eyes darted around the hall to which they found no one about.  “I’ve planned something; a surprise.”

“I actually need to go to town to buy something.  I could join you after,” Jimmy answered.

“We need as much daylight as possible.  Surely it’s nothing too important.  We won’t be free of here until at least three, by the time you go to town and come back it would easily be five,” Thomas reasoned.

A door from across the hall opened producing Alfred who stopped momentarily noticing the two men speaking.  “Morning.  Mr. Barrow.  Jimmy,” Alfred said simply then made his way to the stairs.

“Can we talk about this later?” Jimmy asked.  “I really need to finish getting ready.”

“Alright.”  Thomas nodded.  Jimmy nodded back and closed his door.

Thomas sighed.  

~~~

After breakfast in the servants’ hall Thomas went out to the kitchen courtyard for some fresh air and a smoke.  He had hopes Jimmy might follow and was pleased when the door opened and the blond came to join him.  

Jimmy joined Thomas against the far wall of the courtyard.  “I do really need to go into town today.”

“What for?”

“Out of something and need more.  Have the opportunity to go get it today so I’d rather not do without,” Jimmy explained.

“Whatever it is, I’m sure you can borrow for a day or two.  I go into town every few days on some errand for Carson, so I could get it for you then.”  Thomas took an inhale from his cigarette and breathed out as he pulled it back away.  “I just saw the opportunity to do something nice, but we need to leave here as soon as possible.  So, whatever it is I can get it for you soon enough.”

“It’s something I need and I’m pretty sure no one else has it.”

Thomas raised an eyebrow and looked over to Jimmy.   “Well, what is it?”

“I’d rather not say.”  Jimmy glanced sideways to find Thomas’ eyes on him and quickly looked away turning his head as if something across the yard had caught his eye.  

“If it’s something you’re embarrassed about-”

Jimmy turned his full body, grimace on his face, his cheeks flushed pink. “Embarrassed?!  I’m not embarrassed, I just like to buy my own products myself.  I’m going to town today to buy something I need and if you still want me to come with you for whatever it is you’ve planned, without even asking me in advance I might add, then I’ll think about it when I return.”  Jimmy turned heel and walked quickly back inside.

_ Why does it always blow up in my face with him? _

Thomas could remember Bates telling him once he should try being nicer, but once again where Jimmy was concerned fat lot of good it did him to try and be.  

~~~

The family finished their luncheon and Thomas supervised the cleaning of the dining room.  When it was all completed he headed up the stairs to the attics to his room and changed into one of his casual suits.   He looked into the mirror and stared at himself determined he was going to do whatever it took to change Jimmy’s mind about joining him.

Thomas grabbed the hamper from its hiding spot and his hat as he exited the room and walked directly across the hall and straight into Jimmy’s room.   

Jimmy froze as Thomas walked into the room and stared at the older man as he closed the door and placed a hamper on his bed and his hat on top.  “Thomas!”

Jimmy stood in the middle of his room half-dressed.  He’d managed to change his trousers but hadn’t fastened them yet as he’d not put on his shirt; he stood in his undershirt, face open trousers, and socks, staring at Thomas.  

“A picnic.  I want you to come with me for a picnic which is why we need the daylight,” Thomas said starring Jimmy straight in the eye.

“Thomas, I’m not dressed.  Get out!”

“Neither of us is leaving this room unless it’s the both of us going on our picnic that I’ve planned and been preparing for three days now.”

Jimmy sighed and slumped his shoulders.  “Then I suppose I should be changing into my pajamas then instead?”  He reached for his shirt and slid it over his arms.

Thomas walked up to Jimmy as the younger buttoned the lower half of his shirt, tucked it into his trousers and fastened them up.  Thomas began fastening the rest of Jimmy’s shirt buttons and spoke softly, “I don’t know the next time we’ll have this opportunity.  Sure I can usually arrange our time off together, but it’s not every time.  We haven’t done something like this before.  It was supposed to be a surprise.  A romantic outing since our relationship has changed.  I’ve been planning since Carson approved the time and I’ve gone to the trouble with the food, the hamper, a blanket and all.”  

As Thomas finished the top button Jimmy pulled up his braces.  “I do need to go to town.” Thomas had moved around Jimmy, picking up his shirt collar off his dresser and fastening it.  His valet training had kicked in as he continued dressing Jimmy.  “You really put a lot into this didn’t you?”  Thomas looked up from where he was tying Jimmy’s tie and met Jimmy’s gaze.  Jimmy closed his eyes and sighed again.  “Fine.”  Thomas’ persistent stare had won.

“Whatever it is you needed, really I can pick it up for you next time I go.”  Thomas finished tying the tie and fixed the collar down.  

“No thank you.  I’ll manage.” Jimmy reached for his waistcoat, put it on and buttoned it up as Thomas retrieved his suit coat and held it for Jimmy to slide his arms into.

“Thank you,” Thomas said.  He came back around the shorter man, cupped Jimmy’s face in both his hands and brought his lips to meet the other supple pair.  As he pulled away Thomas smiled.  “Let’s move on then.”  

“You know, you’re really quite good at that.”

“What?”

“Dressing and all.”  Jimmy collected his wallet from the top of his dresser and put it in his inner-coat pocket.

“You may remember when we first met I was valet to his lordship,” Thomas said as he collected his hat the hamper from Jimmy’s bed.

Jimmy chuckled. “Would you show me sometime?”

“Hm?”

“Being a valet.  Tips, technique, expectation…  Would you show me sometime?”

“Of course,” Thomas said with a smile as he opened the door.  “Only for you.”  

“How do you expect to get that hamper past everyone downstairs without suspicion?  It’s obvious you’re using it for personal matter when it probably belongs to the family.”  Jimmy smiled at Thomas as he stepped into the hall and closed the door to his room, waiting to hear what sort of plan the under-butler could have concocted.  

**“You, of course.  You’re going down first and will distract anyone that might have a problem with it while I slip out the back door.” Thomas said as if Jimmy should have realized it all along and watched Jimmy’s smile sink to a grimace. **


	9. Chapter 9

“Almost there,” Thomas said.   

The two had been walking for nearly a half hour as Jimmy had been consistently asking Thomas for the time.  Along the way Jimmy had removed his suit coat and carried it slung over his shoulder.  Thomas had done the same not too long after Jimmy.

_ No wonder he said there wouldn’t be time if I went to town. This better be worth it. _

From their last two encounters getting to spend time with each other alone, Jimmy had come to realize exactly what Thomas was doing.  He was waiting.  He was letting Jimmy make the move to initiate contact.  Jimmy admired him for it, for being a proper gentleman about it.  He also was very frustrated about it because it made him feel immensely embarrassed that he might have to ask for or about the next advancement, or come up with it on his own unsure of if he would be quite right.

They came upon a lake near the edge of the wood when Thomas announced they were finally, “Here.”  Thomas put the hamper down and produced a blanket which he and Jimmy spread out in an area just under the shade of the trees.  Thomas smiled as he sat on the blanket and began removing the contents of the hamper.

Jimmy joined Thomas on the ground and began helping remove the contents.  “So we have sandwiches, apples – what’s in here?” Jimmy pulled out a napkin that had been tied up and removed the knot. “Oh! Strawberries!”  Jimmy smiled widely up at Thomas.  

Thomas had remembered.  Some time ago they got to talking late one night in the servants’ hall about some of the desserts for the upstairs and things they wish they could have some of, or that the other had nicked some of.  Jimmy had commented about a very delicious looking pudding that he’d carried up topped with so many strawberries he’d had to stop himself from drooling on it before he got it up the stairs.  The guests had eaten every last bit of it and he’d failed miserably to even get a slice or bit of the leftover strawberries from either Daisy or Ivy.  

_ Being a maid in the kitchens must have its perks.   _

Strawberries were Jimmy’s favorite.  He didn’t get to have them often, at least not anymore.  Lady Anstruther had been extremely keen on them and they were a regular stock item in the kitchens at his last job, which had far fewer servants and the cook adored Jimmy.  As a child they’d been a treat no more than twice while they were in season, in Anstruther’s house they’d been a weekly delight, but since coming to Downton he’d only had a few once when Alfred took pity on him and gave him some he’d managed to get from Daisy after having watched Jimmy fail trying to do the same for himself.  

“You may have mentioned them being your favorite once or twice,” Thomas replied with a smug grin.

“I’m surprised you remembered.  If there’s some in the stores that must mean we’ll be serving something with them again soon.”  Jimmy scowled. “It’s like torture.”

“Of course I remembered.”  Thomas removed the final item from the hamper; a bottle of wine.  

Jimmy looked up as Thomas produced the wine bottle from the hamper “Wooo, how’d you manage that then?  I’ve seen Mr. Carson decanting that stuff for the upstairs lot before.”

“Well, I didn’t steal it if that’s what you’re thinking,” Thomas said quickly.  Thomas had told him about how he once had stolen several bottles of wine from Downton’s cellar over time in his younger days as a footman.  “Not exactly anyway,” he muttered.

Jimmy raised a questioning eyebrow.  “What was that?  Not exactly?”

“It was extra,” Thomas explained.  “Delivery man made a cock up.  I did the inventory when we got the last shipment myself and this wasn’t supposed to be there.  Saw no harm.  Not exactly stealing when his lordship never had to pay for it either.”

Jimmy laughed and lay down on his side, now looking up at Thomas.  “You don’t have to defend yourself to me.  Would still drink it even if you had stolen it.  I suppose technically all the food is stolen from the kitchen.”

“Meals are a part of our room and board.”

“Meals as decided by the cook,” Jimmy retorted.

“I could have flirted this out of Patmore for all you know,” Thomas said with a smirk.

“Then I’d have to assume you’re a far better flirt when it comes to women.”  Jimmy watched as Thomas rolled his eyes.  “She does seem to like you though.  Her and Mrs. Hughes.”

“I know what you mean.  And I don’t deserve it.  I’ve tried both their nerves on more than one occasion.  So, whatever reason for their kindness, I’m truly grateful for it.”  Jimmy smiled softly as Thomas spoke with such sincerity and reached for a sandwich while Thomas produced a corkscrew to open the wine.  

They ate their sandwiches and drank the wine from the bottle passing it back and forth.  Jimmy was really quite grateful for the wine.  He knew if he was going to have to make the next move to push Thomas forward in the physical part of this relationship he’d need the false sense of courage he knew the buzz would give him and an excuse for in case he embarrassed himself would be nice.  Once they’d started eating they found they had been quite hungrier than either of them realized and didn’t speak much while they ate.  When Thomas had finished his sandwich he pulled out a pocket knife and began peeling and cutting one of the apples into wedges.

“Do you like apples much?” Jimmy asked.

“Love them,” He replied.  “I suppose I knew your favorite was strawberries, but I don’t guess you knew mine was apples.”

“I didn’t, no,” the blond replied.  Jimmy sat up once he’d finished his sandwich and pulled out his handkerchief to wipe his hands on.   He grabbed the wine bottle and took a deep long chug.

“You might ought to watch that,” Thomas warned.  “It’s a bit stronger than all that cider you managed to down at the Thirsk fair and I’d prefer not to have to drag you back to the house.”

Jimmy grimaced at Thomas’ comment.  He was just starting to get a warm feeling knowing he wasn’t nearly that close to being drunk, but it was enough to make him a little bold.  The warmth of course was not so pleasant in the heat of the afternoon.  “It’s a bit warm today.  The breeze has been nice, but it would have been nice to know we were coming to a lake.  I fancy a swim.”

“People say you shouldn’t swim right after eating.  Muscle cramps and such.”

“Bollocks!  I’ve done it plenty of times.”  Jimmy began unbuttoning his waistcoat, noticing out of the corner of his eyes Thomas’s eyes widening curiously as the man ate a wedge of his apple of the tip of his knife.  

_ Good.  Got your attention did I? _

“Would rather have a swimming costume and a towel to dry off on, but since someone didn’t quite give me advance warning there’s no helping it.”  Jimmy smiled coyly and looked at Thomas as he pulled his braces from his shoulders and started to pull his shirt tails out.   “Do you fancy a swim Thomas?”

Thomas blinked a few times, mouth slightly agape.

~~~

_ If I’d thought bringing him to a lake would get him naked I’d have done this ages ago. _

Thomas was at a loss for words as the gorgeous creature before him had begun disrobing.  He put the apple bits and his knife down on the napkin with the strawberries and smiled attempting to contain his excitement as he answered, “Sure.  Why not?”

Jimmy’s smiled widened as he loosened and pulled his tie free.  Thomas began undressing himself, though his fingers trembled.  He was shaking with excitement.  He’d been moving slowly, letting Jimmy be the one to kiss him, to run his hands through his hair, to let him know what was okay and not going too fast for his comfort.  This, to Thomas’s pleasant surprise, was moving along more quickly than he’d anticipated.  He felt giddy as he finally managed to unbutton and shrug off his waistcoat.  

He hooked a finger in his tie and began to loosen it and stopped as Jimmy pulled his undershirt over his head exposing his golden skin.  How the man’s pigment was so glowing and anything but stark pale as most individuals in services Thomas could never fathom, but he certainly had no complaints.  

Thomas was jostled back to the current, not realizing he’d gotten so lost in his gazing of Jimmy’s chest and shoulders, by the younger man’s undershirt hitting him square in the face. “What was that for?”  Thomas asked as he tossed the shirt back at Jimmy.

“When you stare at me like that, it’s a little embarrassing.”  Jimmy continued, removing his shoes and socks.

“Sorry. You’re just… Just gorgeous is all.”  Thomas managed to remove his tie and slid his bracers from his shoulders.

“Thank you, I think.”  Jimmy stood, faced a quarter turn away from Thomas, unfastened, dropped, and stepped out of his trousers and under pants.  

As soon as the fabric revealed Jimmy’s back side, Thomas quickly concentrated intensely with the buttons on his shirt.

_ Dear Lord, if you’re out there, thank you for this day. Thank you for this truly torture filled, but blessed day. _

~~~

_ This is it. _

Jimmy had thought as he dropped his trousers and underpants.  

_ No turning back now. _

Jimmy had felt very embarrassed the way Thomas stared at him as he’d removed his shirt.  He’d intentionally turned a bit to remove his bottoms to give him more time to brace himself again for the lust he’d seen in Thomas’s gaze.  When he turned his head to look over his shoulder he was almost surprised to see Thomas not starring.  However the older man was very flush in the face and very slowly working to unbutton his shirt.  

Jimmy was a bit annoyed.  He’d somehow found it in himself (probably the wine) to strip down completely and Thomas was taking his time like some nervous wreck.  “C’mon, Thomas.  We haven’t got all day.”

“Sorry.  It’s just these… These damn buttons-”  Thomas’s eyes flicked very rapidly between Jimmy and back to his hands on the buttons.  

Jimmy huffed then turned and got down on his knees at Thomas’s feet and began removing the man’s shoes.  

Thomas’s eyes widened in surprise.  “What are you-?”

“Helping!”

They both stared intensely into each other’s eyes as Thomas managed to finish with the buttons on the shirt and had begun shrugging it off as Jimmy had managed to finish getting his socks off.  As Thomas moved to pull at the hem of his undershirt, Jimmy maneuvered to straddle Thomas’s waist and slid his hands up his sides, feeling the warm skin underneath, pushing the shirt up and over Thomas’s head along the way.  He then pushed the older man back to the ground and pinned his hands above his head still tangled in the shirt.

Thomas’s eyes were wide with wonder.  His hair hung in disarray across his forehead as he panted uncontrollably looking from the blonde’s face down the length of his body taking him all in.  “Jimmy?”

“Thomas,” Jimmy breathed.  “Do you want to touch me?” Jimmy asked in a low, deep tone.  

“Yes.  Oh god, yes,” Thomas answered.

Jimmy captured Thomas’s lips in a hungry aggressive kiss.  Jimmy felt in that moment the feeling that surged through his body was what books talked about when they spoke of passion:  the need to be wanted, the thrill of the situation.  As he pulled away Thomas was gasping for air.  

“Then you’ll have to catch me first.”

Jimmy pushed himself from the ground and ran to and down the small pier and jumped into the water.

**As he brought his head back above the surface of the water Jimmy looked back over to their picnic site to see Thomas not far behind as he divested himself of his trousers and underpants.  Though Thomas did not run as Jimmy had, and as he came closer to the water Jimmy could see why.  Jimmy could tell Thomas was attempting to keep his calm composure as he walked the short length of the pier, but his body betrayed him all over from the bright red in his face to his engorged appendage standing at full attention between his legs as he stepped, rather than jumped off the pier. **


End file.
